I am…

not strong
not smart
not worthy
not going any where
not deserving
not lovable
wondering why i even still try

Succesfull at failing

I always thought that I wasn’t good at anything. and the truth is I am good at something. I’m good at failing. I’m great at not being good at anything. I’m great at barely making it, at living pay check. I’m great at having dead end jobs where I can barely pay my bills. I’m failing in my life right now, and not only that, but I had to move back in with my rents at 32. No job, no car, no money.. and not having any education…yet. This seems to be what I’m good at.

I’m over here now…

So, i’ve been living with my folks in Georgia for a week now. and I miss everything and everyone in NJ. I miss HP so much it hurts to breathe. But, I need to look forward to a life without being with him, rather then a trying to see a life with him. I need to focus on my life, and not what he is doing, or who he is doing it with.
One of the draw backs of living with my folks, is the child like state I seem to revert to when talking to my dad. My dad is a type a, and I’m a type a. But, I never feel fully like an adult in his eyes. I feel like less of an adult now. I’m going to try to employ my rule that I had as a kid; ” stay out of daddy’s way as much possible”. I don’ t think I bother him, but better safe then sorry.

” All that you can’t leave behind…”

So tomorrow, my dad is picking me up, and we are heading to Georgia. That’s right…I’m moving in with my parents. And not only that, but I have to leave the state to do it. one good thing is since my diagnoses, my folks get it now. And are being totally supportive. I plan on being there no more then a year if I’m not in going to school, 2 years if I am. I also plan on coming back here as often as possible.
I went to see HP the other day, and he wasn’t really up to hanging out. I was there for 20 minutes, and left his house in tears. Talking to the other member teared me up also. My heart is breaking.
I told my mom that I’m giving myself a three day “feeling like crap and being depressed limit”. I know it’s going to be hard for me to adjust and I’ll miss my friends, and good pizza. After three days, it’s back on the horse. Stay tuned

Higher Education

I have lately been thinking about going to school for something creative. Like video game design, since I’m such a gamer. Or interior design, since I love filling spaces, organizing things in those spaces, and matching colors and stuff. I can apply for a scholarship since I have ADHD and other learning disabilities.
If my relationship ends and I need to move in with my folks, my dad will help me with school and a 5000$ scholarship will help him to not have to pay for all of it. It’s something to discuss with Doc tuesday.

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation

Job/ Relationship?

I’m sort of back together with a guy who doesn’t care that I’m not confident, somewhat independent and don’t feel so useless because I’m not working. I’m with someone who doesn’t challenge me to be better and who doesn’t push me to get things done. Who for some reason, loves the emptiness, rather then actually wanting to see myself make whole. Who says ” don’t worry, we will figure it out”. Then, doesn’t follow through. I procrastinate by nature..I need someone to kick me in the ass, as well as themselves. i need the calm, i already have the storm. I need the poet, I already am the warrior.

Legal Rights?

So, I was fired from the cleaning job on thursday due to ADHD. The cunt said I wasn’t paying attention on purpose. And on friday, I was denied an interview with a place because of my ADHD, even though I told them I take medication and am calm and focused when I’m on it.
I’m sure we have some legal rights in regards to stuff like this. The guy I’m with wants to talk to his lawyer on wednesday to see what he says. Any advice?

I’m here..sort of

Hello sports fans! Yup..I kinda fell of the earth there for a bit. Follow through is not a strong suit of ours, is it?
Still working part time at the cleaning service. The boss name shall remain the same though. My poor Lita ( my car) has made the trip to that great parking garage in the sky. And my relationship has ended, but with the advice of Doc, giving dating a try since we are getting on so well now. I told the guy that dating someone like me wasnt going to be easy. That I dont think and function like everyone else. He gets it now.
And my heart still aches…everyday for someone else. Even though, I was told it wouldnt work out…and hes right. He doesnt have the patience to deal with me. And I dont think he would even want to try.
I have no idea where my life is going, but I’m trying to make it work. And i’ll make sure to keep everyone posted and get on here more while I figure it out. It’s good to be back

” You mean you can’t follow simple directions?”

umm…no..I can’t. Sorry if that annoys you. Sorry if I need specifics..especially with driving directions. I’m sorry if  I ask you to repeat yourself, or repeat what you said back to you to make sure I got it.

Following directions, not missing steps, attention to detail, time management are the banes of exsistance  for any ADHDer. That is how our brains work. And if they didn’t guess what….we wouldn’t have this problem.